Cahir Ó Cochláin and Banshee

Pronouns: He/Him
Age: 27
Hometown: An Clochán Liath, Ireland
Sponsor: Irish Academy of Environmental Science
First Season: 332
Grand Victories: 0
Current Division: Mixed
Current Mech: Banshee

Screens all over Sol turn to the new episode of the solar system's most popular UMBC enthusiast panel show. From either side of the screen graphics of heavy metal doors smash into each other, sending animated sparks bouncing that form into a mechanized dog. Energetic music plays underneath as the dog barks three times in rhythm to chugging guitars and cymbal crashes. The title emerges from them, Steel D0g P0und. 

The logo gives way to four boxes for the four panelists. A fair skinned man with medium brown hair, a messy brown beard, and yellow baseball cap speaks. His voice is incredibly average, ordinary, and almost monophonic in delivery.

“Hello and welcome back, folks and friends, to Steel D0g P0und’s preseries analysis. Today we’ll be discussing Mixed Division longshots. As always I'm your friend, MechGuy718832, and joining me is Battler, Kiki Spooby, journalist, Arica Smith. And, of course, PineconeVandal, our anonymous insider.”

The other panelists wave as their names appear below each of their boxes in a complex animation. Kiki’s puffy, hot pink pigtails bounce as she waves enthusiastically. Arica cracks a small smile and gives a small nod. The cartoon model of a personified pinecone dressed as a bandit awkwardly waves a hand-like leaf.

“The Mixed Division is pretty stacked this year, I think we can all agree. We got big returning names like Dea Tacita, Richardson Gold, and everyone's favorite to hate, Helena Ashley. Battlers we expect to win or, at least, place.”

In the center of the screen, clips of the Grey Ghost, Stinger, and the Eternal Vengeance cycle through as the presenter speaks, then suddenly blink out to black, and MechGuy’s voice becomes a lot more lively.

“But we're not talking about any of those losers today!”

Kiki giggles.

“We each dredged the muck at the bottom of the roster for someone that might, against all odds, do well! Pinecone will be our judge on who's got the best shot. Okay, Kii, why don't you go first?”

The young woman perks up with an exaggerated and playful salute.

“Hi~~~! Ok! Sure! I considered entering this division this year, but I don't know. Melee just speaks to me!”

MechGuy interjects, “Then you can't pick yourself again, huh?”

Kiki scrunches her face and crosses her arms as MechGuy laughs, “Okay, okay, who's your pick?”

“Right… Okay, umm, this was really hard! I didn't realize how many stinkers there are in Mixed this year. So I think it's Tomás Hawk and Wild Mustang's time to shine.”

The center display shows a bulky mech that is draped in armor reminiscent of a poncho. On each hip hangs a throwing axe and it holds a chunky, single-shot rifle. A radar chart of Wild Mustang’s official stats appears to the right with a slick, spiraling animation.

They read:

Offense 8
Defense 12
Agility 4
Battler 6
Starpower 3

The third panelist, Arica Smith, an older bespectacled woman with short dark hair, makes a confused and somewhat disgusted expression. MechGuy is shocked and exclaims, “Seriously, Kiki?”

Kiki defensively huffs.

“I don't know— he's fun!? The dual ax plus rifle thing is pretty cool. I mean, he's never made it out of pools, sure, but neither have I! Sure, his mech is named after a horse and not even horse themed… And, well, he has said some pretty questionable stuff a few years ago, but folks can change?”

“Yeesh, though, you have to admit!” says MechGuy.

“It was like THREE years ago! And! And, he did apologize!” the spunky Battler shouts.

“Okay, fine, I guess we don't have to relitigate things. It's not like he was kicked out of the Circuit,” relents the host, “but seriously?”

“If you like a horse, then why not go for Billy Nobunoga? He probably won't make it out of pools either,” jokes Smith drily.

Pinecone laughs through its voice modulations while MechGuy cracks up, “Wow, okay, Arica. I was not expecting you to go all out for Billy like that. Ha ha!”

The journalist shrugs, “I can't let you two have all the fun.”

The center display fades to black and Kiki says, “So~~~, Who's your pick, Mechie?”

“Well, you're right this was hard, but I'm actually pretty confident August Crimson and the Red Queen will go far this year. He was just shy of top 8 in the last two seasons and has been on an upward trajectory for the past five.”

An image of top-heavy, pale pink mech with a long blood red cloak appears in the center display. Its stance is dramatic and intimidating, with its hands resting on the butt of its large sword which has been stabbed into the ground. Floating just above its head is an ostentatious golden crown. 

The same swirling animation reveals the graph of the Red Queen’s stats.

Offense 11
Defense 10
Agility 8
Battler 10
Starpower 6

“Uhmmm! If he was just shy of Top 8 then he's not actually a long shot though, is he? He's more of a mid-shot!”

“Dang, Kii, I guess you're right…” the host says in a mocking tone, “but you gotta admit he has a good chance.”

Arica goes to say something, but Kiki starts talking before she can open her mouth.

“Uh, I don't think that matters actually! You said you wanted LONGSHOTS, Mr. Guy! Not Battlers who have a good chance.”

“She's got you there, Mech,” states Arica.

“Okay, okay,” MechGuy acquiesces as the center display fades black, “I just never get to talk about how cool that cloak looks…”

Arica speaks up, “Well then! With my choice you'll get to talk about a cool cloak and an actual longshot, if you pardon the pun. It's Cahir Ó Cochláin and Banshee.”

The center display lights up with the image of a tall mech obscured from neck to toe in a dark cloak. Its head is fashioned into a human skull. From the opening of the cloak a truly massive sniper rifle extends. It is clearly as long as the mech is tall if not longer.

Once more the stat graphic spins into view.

Offense 16
Defense 8
Agility 13
Battler 9
Starpower 9

MechGuy thinks for a moment before saying, “Oh, that Irish sniper with the skull mask?”

“The very one!”

“I thiiiink I remember him? Didn't he go, like, 1 and 2 last season?” asks the pink haired Battler.

“Well, yes, but I have been keeping an eye on him in the off-season. He and his team have been putting in some work during it. They've been drawing a lot of inspiration from Galahad’s strategy but adapting it for the Mixed Division.”

“So, extreme range and high armor?”, comments the host.

“The former but not the latter. In fact, Banshee has basically no armor. Instead it has a stealth system that makes it particularly hard to detect.”

“Huh, that's unique. I'm looking at the specs for his rifle and I'm surprised the UMBC board let him enter with it!”

“So, there's a little catch to it that's likely not obvious from the spec sheet. You see the red cable that runs from the gun to Banshee’s chest? It can actually draw power directly from the mech!”

“What?! That's nutzo!” exclaims Kiki. 

“Indeed, it's quite risky. In fact, it accounts for his two losses last season. Cahir had to cede both times because Banshee ran out of power while his opponents could still move.”

“Uhh~ OK, so that gun is powerful, but he needs a melee weapon as well and I don't see one in the pictures,” says Kiki.

“Kiki, scroll the images…” explains MechGuy, putting his head in his hands.

“Oh, right! Haha, d’ohie!”

Arica continues, “Banshee is equipped with two foldable daggers hidden in its cloak.”

“Oooh, so he's got a sort of close ranged/long range thing going on! That's fun!” says Kiki, cheerfully.

“Correct, though in his previous matches, Cahir never ended up getting to use them. I did watch some of his training videos his sponsor put out. He seems pretty good with them there, very acrobatic, very accurate, but that's all promotional material.”

“Hrmm, yeah, who could say how well he'll react in an actual match. Though you got me pretty convinced, Arica. This guy seems like, if things go his way, he's got a pretty good chance. I'll certainly be watching his matches. I am curious about his sponsor though. What do you know about them?”

Kiki interrupts, “Wha~~? Oh my god! A-ric-a!”

Rolling his eyes MechGuy says, “What did you find out, Kii?”

The young Battler blushes while placing her fists to her cheeks. In a whispery whimper she says, “He’s so hot…”

The other panelists put their heads in their hands. The host grumbles, “Kiki, you cannot crush on every Battler like this all the time.”

A picture of a Cahir appears on the display. His appearance mimics his mech. Tall and slender with dark auburn hair, neatly styled with large sideburns. His eyes are a piercing blue and he wears a smug smile on his face. In one hand, he holds a skull mask. He is leaning against the foot of Banshee in a form-fitting normalsuit that's black and gray with blue highlights. 

MechGuy looks at the picture, shrugs, and says, “He is quite handsome though. You're right about that.”

The cartoon model twists itself into a strange expression of agreement.

Arica cracks a smile at that before saying, “So his sponsor.”

“Oh right! Please,” directs the host.

“Yeah. Despite his aesthetic his sponsor is pretty banal. It's the Irish Academy of Environmental Science.”

“So, like, a scientist school?” asks Kiki.

“Uh, not exactly. They're an organization that's currently involved in the environmental restoration of the islands near Ireland, which I, uhh, am currently blanking on the name of…”

MechGuy interjects, “Ah, historically they were called the British Isles.”

“That's it!” says the journalist over the host.

“But considering there hasn't been a Britain there in like a thousand years, I don't know what they're called now… Earth geography never sticks with me,” admits MechGuy, “there's no UMBC arenas in that region other than the one their building where Old London was, so it doesn't stick in my mind…”

“Heya, we don't need to fact check every little thing,” states the amateur Battler, “like, the important thing is that these folks help clean up all that waste and junk from that Dark Age war-thingy, right?”

“Correct—” says Arica, but MechGuy interrupts, “Kiki, the ‘war-thingy’ made most of the European continent completely unlivable for hundreds of years. We don't even know who was fighting it, why, or the exact nature of the weapon used. All that's left are the scars and ruins!”

“Yeah! I know all that!” she replies with an oblivious smile and a chipper voice.

The host braces his fingers against the bridge of his nose but does not comment further.

“Uhh, to continue to the historical context,” continues Arica, “the island of Ireland was one of the few places that recovered from that ‘war-thingy’ and now the IAES studies and assists in the restoration of the regional environment. Cahir actually came from their field team. He was personally involved in cleaning up those deadly Tyderman particles.”

“Oh, geez, glad he's okay,” says Kiki looking away.

“Yeah, agreed. I didn't look too into it since I ran out of time, but there have been some tragedies with those teams in the past. I don't know if he was present during any of those, however.”

MechGuy stares downward, clearly not wanting to think about the details too much, “It's weird to think about how Battling might be the safer career.”

“Yeah… no matter how Creative wants to market it,” states the journalist, “Wow, sorry for being such a downer and taking up the whole episode.”

“Aww, nah,” says the host, “that's what this series always is. Two clowns and two actual experts.”

“Yeah! I'm a clown!” exclaims Kiki, gleefully.

“All right!” announces the host, “Pinecone, as the insider, which of these three options do you think has the best shot of winning the Mixed Division?”

“C’mon, Wild Stallion!” cheers Kiki.

PineconeVandal’s model contorts to a thinking expression and it takes a moment to consider the options. In its heavily modified voice it says, “I will be honest with you, Miss Spooby, Creative does not have any plans regarding Wild Stallion due to reasons mentioned previously. We do not have confidence in them placing this season.”

“Aww, damn it,” says the disappointed Battler.

Then the insider says, “Red Queen is promising, but their fate will depend on their performance. Without giving too much away, I will say, they will have a tough time in pools.”

“But the cape is so cool!” exclaims MechGuy.

“That leaves Arica Smith's choice,” flatly states PineconeVandal, “As usual, Arica’s intuitions are well placed. Creative have had our eye on Cahir for a while. If he can manage to break out of pools, Creative would be quite pleased. Thus, I will have to go with him.”

“Quite pleased, huh?” The host says, there is a beat of silence.

“Well there you have it, folks!” states MechGuy with a clap of his hands, “I think that's an episode.”

He then looks directly into the camera and says, “You, at home, vote in the comments for which of these longshots you think has the best shot! Kiki, Arica, Vandal, thank you all for joining as always! Stay Barking! Steel D0g P0und out!”

The screen fades out as MechGuy and Kiki bark repeatedly.